I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
