What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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