so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's official drugs can't kill me
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
