Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize