I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
