I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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