Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
