When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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