Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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