Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I am one with the molecules
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
