I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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