i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
