My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
