fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
