broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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