my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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