Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
