well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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