My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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