my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
