You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
