all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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