Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
