My nipple is on Facebook.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
