somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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