I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize