i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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