All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
