My underwear smells like fireworks.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Floor bacon is actually really good
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
