my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
They have beer where we have blood.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
