is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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