her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
