took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
