New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
