My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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