best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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