So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
