I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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