her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
