70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
