Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
