The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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