i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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