I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm really busy with my period
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