3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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