I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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