I accidentally burped into my bong.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
