so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
