I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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