Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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