Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
