I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
