He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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