my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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