My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize