just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
