i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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