So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
