I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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