Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
