do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
