Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
