he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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