I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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